Wedding planning is making me craaaazzzy

So we can't decide if we want to elope to Vegas or have a small (as I can possibly make it) ceremony here in town. I'd like to have a ceremony, and I even have ideas for it. The problem is planning is overwhelming, as I am not the most organized of people. Another thing is, well, I lost my mom 3 years ago and I don't have that support. My entire family consists of my dad and brother. I don't have any extended family at all. As Hawk will be home in 3 weeks, and the wedding date is THIS October, I am going to have to start making some decisions asap.

Such a great song

I am nearing the end of a 400 day deployment. My Hawk will be home in abut 6 weeks and honestly, I dunno if I could take any more than that. I am back in school which is GREAT. I had to take a semester off and I missed it so much! I'm taking an interesting Medieval British Lit course and also an Early American History course, so Im surrounded by romance poets and war. Story of my life haha. Anyway I have always had an obsession with sad music. Mournful Irish ballads to current lovesick, heartbreak country songs, I love my despair. The new movie, "Dear John" based on a Nicholas Sparks novel has made this song the focus of it's commercials. The story is about a soldier and the girl that waits for him at home, so I identify with the plot. But I also LOVE the song.

Deployment. KISS MY ASS

Its been a year since DF deployed. His orders were for 400 days and he will be home in about 6 weeks. We dont have a date yet so I cant even look forward to it yet. You learn that fast, being in a mil family, don't believe any date because it'll change every single day. I dunno if the other branches are this ridiculous, but the Army Reserves are so disorganized that it makes life hell. Most of my friends turned out to be self-absorbed assholes so I pretty much cut everyone from my life. Also, DF's family didn't even try to keep in touch with him, so they're out too. He doesn't care, I don't care. All we do care about is each other, he's been so excited lately planning the wedding that he's like a little kid. Obviously in our relationship things are backwards. He's the one excited about the wedding, he is the one that wants kids, I remodel the house by myself LOL. My big scary soldier spends all his free time looking at table settings online. My life cracks me up, I feel like I'm in a cartoon sometimes. Gotta laugh, otherwise I'll never stop crying...

Blueberry pie and whipped cream

So now that the new year is right around the corner, I figured I may as well write a resolution blog like everyone else. However, mine is a bit different cause it's more of a list of things I really want to do. My one real resolution is that I'd like to handle disagreements with the Hawk better. Pre-deployment things got so bad, we weren't sure we'd make it. Things are great now, but it took a lot of work. Other than that, my list is shaping up quite well:

1. Train for a marathon. (Hawk and I are going to do this together)

2. Finish remodeling our spare bedroom.

3. Bake myself a blueberry pie from scratch! ( I can cook anything but never been a good baker)

4. Plant a garden

5. Learn to can food. (my tattoo artist is actually going to teach me)

6. Finish my degree!!

7. GET MY DRIVERS LICENSE

8. Lost 25 lbs this year, and I'm going to lose 25 more

I'm sure more things will get added. I never made a resolution before and it's not about making a commitment for a new year, but more of focusing on what makes me happy. (and keeps me out of trouble #7)

This year is going to be the biggest of my life. In March my Hawk is coming home from Iraq. In July our house becomes ours, free and clear. In October we are getting married on our 6th Anniversary! Also, I won't be able to map out the timeline until he gets home, but He has baby fever so we will be planning for that too!

New and Improved Ray Bird ;)

SO, I got my hair cut today. I cant exactly describe the relationship my hair and I have. In a nutshell, I was raised by hippies, my mom didnt cut her hair for 30 years and therefore I was not allowed to cut my hair until I was 18. Not kidding, I know its freakin' weird but it is what it is. So over the past 6 years I have been slowly losing the length. This year I cut a foot off, including 5 inches today. It's the shortest I've ever had it, obviously and it's taking some getting used to. I've always been known for my super long hair. It's my thing. However, I am a new woman and I need a new THING! After 11 months of living through this wretched deployment, 2 years of school and more life changes than I can count, I am not the same person anymore. I am independent, mature and professional. I needed my exterior to reflect that, so he I am! On a not so narcissistic note, my Hawk was given the new position of company commander today and his first mission as leader is TOMORROW!! It's a big responsibility and a huge step in his career. I'm so proud of him, he has come so far this past year too! It was so funny today as he told me how nervous he was that he might mess up tomorrow. He is the best soldier I've ever met. He takes his oath very serious and he is just intuitive about his job. In contrast, in civilian life hes like a big kid, as easy going as a human can be, and such a helpful kind man. Good luck to you Hawk, you got this!

Just a Hawk and a Hummingbird

3 weeks ago, my Hawk was home on R&R, we took lots of pics and this is my fave :) AThey all keep saying 90 days until this deployment ends but they've been saying that for 3 weeks. I don't know how much longer he has but I know that 90 more days is about all I can take. After 4 1/2 years of being inseparable, I've seen Hawk less than 45 days this year. Our relationship is definitely suffering. Its crazy because before this deployment we were the strongest couple I've ever seen in my life. I guess no couple is safe when one is in the military. I'm gearing up for a miserable Christmas... this is so not like me. I used to be so happy, now I feel like my future is vanishing right before my eyes. We rarely talk on the phone but when we do, we fight, I cry. Its very strained. I refuse to give up on us and he says he does too, but I don't even know him anymore. I don't trust him, I feel like he's imaginary most of the time. It really sucks because I have very few close friends. My best friend is an Army wife too, so thats helpful, but the rest of the people around... Lets just say that they are showing their true colors. I have no family around and Hawk's fam is petty and selfish and they don't even keep in contact with him, let alone me. I hope we can last, but who knows.

One more full day for my baby before his flight

For the past 6 months I have been renovating my house by myself. I have projects going on in every single room and only so much time in each day, ha. I have completely overhauled my bedroom, ripping up 2 nasty layers of shag carpet, all the tack strip, baseborads, random nails padding and stapes etc. . . I am lucky because I have the original parquet floor underneath and it is very pretty. I was goign to lay laminate so thankfully I saved time and probably many headaches learning how to do that! I got all new furniture for the living room and set it up very nice. Finally my kitchen. Ah, kitchen, the bane of my F'ing existence. Before Hawk left he sanded down the doors (they had a very nice thick layer of laquer and nicotine on em). I let them sit for oh, 8 months or so (Im a procrastinator like you would not believe) and then finally began painstakingly doing alternating sides each day. 3 layers of paint later and some chic new hardware they are almost ready to hang. One more night of curing and thank god my kitchen will be done, and nice and bright!
Tomorrow I have a million errands to run and a ton of loose ends on my little projects that I need to tie up. Finally after 6 long months of my love being in Iraq (and 11 months since we spent any time together) my Hawk is FINALLY coming home for 2 decadent weeks of R&R. I don't think I have ever looked forward to anything this much in my life. I know things are going to be different but our relationship is stronger than any other I have ever seen. I somehow managed to find a truly good man so easily without even looking. I feel for all the girls out there that are looking for a good guy and don't believe they exist. My amazing Hawkeye may be one of a kind ;)