Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Readjustment reality

I don't blog much. Obviously. I used to and I really love blogging. It's easy to mold your posts to what others expect from you. The thing is, the reason I started this blog is, I need an outlet. I started it when my Fiance was in Iraq. He's been home now for 4 1/2 months so here's what I've learned.

They tell you to wait, and to be supportive. They don't tell you that you can be 110% fucking supportive and you won't get much back.

They tell you that the readjustment period can take up to a year. They don't tell you that there's just a slight chance you'll even be together after the first year back.

3 couples I know from Hawk's squad have broken up and another is headed there. A squad only has 13 people in it. We make the 5th that despite my best efforts, may not be together after the first year.

Hawk was in Iraq in 03-04 when the fighting was really bad there. He went through a whole lot there. 40+ confirmed kills. Some with just a knife. Some with a truck, some with guns. That just the confirmed ones...

I met him when he'd only been home for 9 months. I thought he was dealing with it ok. I've since learned he hides everything.

He has PTSD from the first deployment and suffers from TBI as well. He never got any counseling and that was a mistake. Now that he's home, he goes to solo counseling at the Veteran's Service Commission. I suspect he lies to his therapist since he isn't getting better. We also do couples counseling once a week. It's going nowhere. He gives her lip service and then nothing changes. The after effects of this deployment have destroyed our relationship. We're supposed to be getting married in October, and I'm not even interested anymore. He's volatile, angry, has memory loss, lies constantly about the dumbest stuff.

He was supposed to go back to drill last month. (He's a Reservist) and he found a way to get out of that. He never got his post-deployment physical and mental eval and they're blowing up my phone trying to get him to come in. He's oblivious. Can't be bothered. Nobody tells you it will be like this.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'll be 24 next month. . .


and I don't know what to do for my birthday! I've been thinking about a camping trip, making a FB event and inviting anyone that wants to come, but the campground isn't sure they will have enough sites. We're saving for our October wedding, so a trip out of town isn't really in the cards. I'm open to pretty much anything. I've never had a birthday party (ever, not even as a kid. Last year my Fiance was deployed so we're hoping to really do something special. But what??

Monday, July 12, 2010

100 days

In 100 days, it will be October 20th 2010. 10/20/2010. This will mark myself and Hawk's 6 yr anniversary. It is also my wedding day. I haven't been the typical bride, we've been engaged for over 5 years after all. Originally we were going to be married on St. Patrick's Day, 2007. We're both Irish and a little quirky, so why not? Ha I even bought a green dress. We were going to have bagpipers and lots of Guinness. But it didn't happen. In October of 2006 my Mom died suddenly/ It was a brain aneurysm. She wasn't even sick. . .

So I couldn't handle a wedding after that. And time flew, we were happy so a wedding didn't matter that much. It's just a piece of paper after all ;) That all changed though, when Hawk deployed to Iraq. We had just bought a house 4 months before he got his orders, and he left 3 months later. It was a yearlong deployment that essentially was make-us or break-us. It made us. Now that I'm older, and after all that we've been through, I really want to get married. It won't be anything fancy, because my family is pretty much non-existant and I am after all a full time student. But it will be MINE and that is all we want. We're celebrating US and I can't wait!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What's new

So, I have been so incredibly busy the past 3 weeks I've barely had time to think about writing! School has been kicking my ass, but I made Dean's list again. I've been car-less for 2 weeks since my piece of shit Kia Rio decided to die on me. I've already paid more to fix it than I paid for the car itself. The money, by the way came out of our wedding money. So long happy normal ceremony, you ain't happening! The only thing getting me through this sweltering summer is that I only have 1 more semester and then I'll have a degree, be married and thisclose to starting a family. My Hawk has a little over 2 years left in the Army, so we have to decide whether or not to stay a Reserve family or even go Active. That, at least would get me the hell out of Ohio!!


Got to surprise the Fiance with a Toby Keith concert. His fave singer, and we got great seats ;) as you can see, someone was having a LOT of fun. . .and beer

Another new thing that is, we've been going to couples therapy through the Veteran's Service Commission. He also goes for solo counseling, and group to help his PTSD. He has a TBI as well, and a serious shoulder injury that may require surgery, so you can see why I've been busy.