I don't blog much. Obviously. I used to and I really love blogging. It's easy to mold your posts to what others expect from you. The thing is, the reason I started this blog is, I need an outlet. I started it when my Fiance was in Iraq. He's been home now for 4 1/2 months so here's what I've learned.
They tell you to wait, and to be supportive. They don't tell you that you can be 110% fucking supportive and you won't get much back.
They tell you that the readjustment period can take up to a year. They don't tell you that there's just a slight chance you'll even be together after the first year back.
3 couples I know from Hawk's squad have broken up and another is headed there. A squad only has 13 people in it. We make the 5th that despite my best efforts, may not be together after the first year.
Hawk was in Iraq in 03-04 when the fighting was really bad there. He went through a whole lot there. 40+ confirmed kills. Some with just a knife. Some with a truck, some with guns. That just the confirmed ones...
I met him when he'd only been home for 9 months. I thought he was dealing with it ok. I've since learned he hides everything.
He has PTSD from the first deployment and suffers from TBI as well. He never got any counseling and that was a mistake. Now that he's home, he goes to solo counseling at the Veteran's Service Commission. I suspect he lies to his therapist since he isn't getting better. We also do couples counseling once a week. It's going nowhere. He gives her lip service and then nothing changes. The after effects of this deployment have destroyed our relationship. We're supposed to be getting married in October, and I'm not even interested anymore. He's volatile, angry, has memory loss, lies constantly about the dumbest stuff.
He was supposed to go back to drill last month. (He's a Reservist) and he found a way to get out of that. He never got his post-deployment physical and mental eval and they're blowing up my phone trying to get him to come in. He's oblivious. Can't be bothered. Nobody tells you it will be like this.
I am sorry for you. And I am amazed by your honesty. I admire you so much. You can't imagine.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, I see you you are not alone. Welcome home, just as he was before he went to war, he will be a little a time for years to come.
ReplyDeleteIt took me 19 years before I was able to be present all day, this was just a month ago. Some of us may never make it home in mind even though we make it in body. I know you understand the concept of if I suffer, does anyone else notice?
We begin to have people and organizations shun us and we receive the message, "suffer in silence..." never again shall we suffer in silence. We are the Combat PTSD Home and we have a voice in our place in this great land. It is time for us to stand together and shout our message, this is how we will shape our destiny and honor our fallen.