SO, I hadn't chatted with Hawk (since we hardly ever get to talk, we chat) in 10 days. Last week on Tuesday there were some casualties in the part of the country he was traveling through. Now, normally I don't ever hear about these causualties because I make it a point to not watch the news, or read the papers. They like to sensationalize everything, and I'm a worrier by nature anyway.
My best -friend is another wife in the Unit and she has the same outlook on the news as I do. Ignorance is bliss when your man is deployed. Anyhow, Bestie was at work, minding her own business, when her sister-in-law (who is not close to Bestie or BestiesHubby at all) decided that we just HAD to know about said casualties. Panic ensued, for Bestie and myself.
I mean, day-to-day Hawk is safe. I know this. This is not his first deployment to Iraq (it happens to be his first with me, though) and the last tour was HELL, everyday. He engaged in a lot of hand to hand combat, as well as shootouts and more. Anyway, after years of hearing these stories I somehow allow myself to ignore his declarations of boredom, and his assurances of safety. I freak the hell out. All I can think is, the worst could be coming.
The way it works is, the DOD (dept of defense) releases names 2 days after an incident, or whenever next of kin has been notified. So, for 2 days I walked around my house stealing glances out the window. Every military wife knows what I was envisioning. That car pulling in my driveway with 2 uniformed men. I am lucky, my man was not among those lost. And in one second of reading those names I can finally breathe again. Until my heart breaks for all those other Hawks lost and all those Rays left behind.
My baby is safe, and he is back to his homebase for a couple of days. Then the battle will be back on my doorstep, in a way. 210 more days my Hawk is deployed, we are almost halfway done. I can't imagine who could possibly read my ramblings, but I will tell them this, I will never be the same again, as I mourn each death in my own way. Hawk is my everything, and each of those soldiers is somebodies everything.