No Other Outlet

I normally wouldn't post this but, I've got no other outlet so, why not?

15 months ago, I had a fiance just home from 15 months away with the Army.

(they say that you need the same amount of time to re-adjust as you were apart)

The time has flown by, since the homecoming. We're married now! Life goes on, right?

But it's not that simple.

While my husband was gone, I changed immensely. I've always been independent, but we've been together about 7 years, and going from that to being truly alone for over a year, is a different kind of independence. I, of course, have friends and a little family who were distractions, but most of the time I was on my own, doing my own thing.

M also changed too. This wasn't his first deployment, he'd been there in '03 for a year as well, and that time was much more scary, and he saw combat on a daily basis. This deployment there was obviously a certain element of danger. But he never saw combat this time, never fired a round, etc.. it was a completely different type of year. If that makes any sense...

So naively naturally I expected him to come home relatively the same, and normal old M. You can only guess what will happen during re-integration, but I thought we'd have an easier time. A smoother transition and then on with our lives.

But it didn't happen.

He came home quieter, much less outgoing. He has a TBI, from an explosion is '03 which complicates things. He has PTSD, it makes him withdrawn and he can't focus, has no motivation. He has severe road rage (he's in a Transportation unit, so he was always driving while deployed) which has led to some pretty scary situations. No ambition, never wants to do anything, can't be bothered to try and so on.

But worse than that, we barely even speak anymore. And when we do, it ALWAYS becomes a fight. Theres no way to prepare for what happens after a deployment. Every single situation is different. I've seen at least a dozen marriages end, just with soldiers from M's unit. I know of only 2 couples that are ok, but they seem to be the exception to the rule.

I've done so much research and we've been going to counseling on and off (whenever the VA can find the time for us, or him solo)

It really sucks to not be able to enjoy ANY part of being a newlywed. It's like I married a stranger. I want my fiance back. I'm pretty much heartbroken.