Blueberry pie and whipped cream

So now that the new year is right around the corner, I figured I may as well write a resolution blog like everyone else. However, mine is a bit different cause it's more of a list of things I really want to do. My one real resolution is that I'd like to handle disagreements with the Hawk better. Pre-deployment things got so bad, we weren't sure we'd make it. Things are great now, but it took a lot of work. Other than that, my list is shaping up quite well:

1. Train for a marathon. (Hawk and I are going to do this together)

2. Finish remodeling our spare bedroom.

3. Bake myself a blueberry pie from scratch! ( I can cook anything but never been a good baker)

4. Plant a garden

5. Learn to can food. (my tattoo artist is actually going to teach me)

6. Finish my degree!!

7. GET MY DRIVERS LICENSE

8. Lost 25 lbs this year, and I'm going to lose 25 more

I'm sure more things will get added. I never made a resolution before and it's not about making a commitment for a new year, but more of focusing on what makes me happy. (and keeps me out of trouble #7)

This year is going to be the biggest of my life. In March my Hawk is coming home from Iraq. In July our house becomes ours, free and clear. In October we are getting married on our 6th Anniversary! Also, I won't be able to map out the timeline until he gets home, but He has baby fever so we will be planning for that too!

New and Improved Ray Bird ;)

SO, I got my hair cut today. I cant exactly describe the relationship my hair and I have. In a nutshell, I was raised by hippies, my mom didnt cut her hair for 30 years and therefore I was not allowed to cut my hair until I was 18. Not kidding, I know its freakin' weird but it is what it is. So over the past 6 years I have been slowly losing the length. This year I cut a foot off, including 5 inches today. It's the shortest I've ever had it, obviously and it's taking some getting used to. I've always been known for my super long hair. It's my thing. However, I am a new woman and I need a new THING! After 11 months of living through this wretched deployment, 2 years of school and more life changes than I can count, I am not the same person anymore. I am independent, mature and professional. I needed my exterior to reflect that, so he I am! On a not so narcissistic note, my Hawk was given the new position of company commander today and his first mission as leader is TOMORROW!! It's a big responsibility and a huge step in his career. I'm so proud of him, he has come so far this past year too! It was so funny today as he told me how nervous he was that he might mess up tomorrow. He is the best soldier I've ever met. He takes his oath very serious and he is just intuitive about his job. In contrast, in civilian life hes like a big kid, as easy going as a human can be, and such a helpful kind man. Good luck to you Hawk, you got this!

Just a Hawk and a Hummingbird

3 weeks ago, my Hawk was home on R&R, we took lots of pics and this is my fave :) AThey all keep saying 90 days until this deployment ends but they've been saying that for 3 weeks. I don't know how much longer he has but I know that 90 more days is about all I can take. After 4 1/2 years of being inseparable, I've seen Hawk less than 45 days this year. Our relationship is definitely suffering. Its crazy because before this deployment we were the strongest couple I've ever seen in my life. I guess no couple is safe when one is in the military. I'm gearing up for a miserable Christmas... this is so not like me. I used to be so happy, now I feel like my future is vanishing right before my eyes. We rarely talk on the phone but when we do, we fight, I cry. Its very strained. I refuse to give up on us and he says he does too, but I don't even know him anymore. I don't trust him, I feel like he's imaginary most of the time. It really sucks because I have very few close friends. My best friend is an Army wife too, so thats helpful, but the rest of the people around... Lets just say that they are showing their true colors. I have no family around and Hawk's fam is petty and selfish and they don't even keep in contact with him, let alone me. I hope we can last, but who knows.

One more full day for my baby before his flight

For the past 6 months I have been renovating my house by myself. I have projects going on in every single room and only so much time in each day, ha. I have completely overhauled my bedroom, ripping up 2 nasty layers of shag carpet, all the tack strip, baseborads, random nails padding and stapes etc. . . I am lucky because I have the original parquet floor underneath and it is very pretty. I was goign to lay laminate so thankfully I saved time and probably many headaches learning how to do that! I got all new furniture for the living room and set it up very nice. Finally my kitchen. Ah, kitchen, the bane of my F'ing existence. Before Hawk left he sanded down the doors (they had a very nice thick layer of laquer and nicotine on em). I let them sit for oh, 8 months or so (Im a procrastinator like you would not believe) and then finally began painstakingly doing alternating sides each day. 3 layers of paint later and some chic new hardware they are almost ready to hang. One more night of curing and thank god my kitchen will be done, and nice and bright!
Tomorrow I have a million errands to run and a ton of loose ends on my little projects that I need to tie up. Finally after 6 long months of my love being in Iraq (and 11 months since we spent any time together) my Hawk is FINALLY coming home for 2 decadent weeks of R&R. I don't think I have ever looked forward to anything this much in my life. I know things are going to be different but our relationship is stronger than any other I have ever seen. I somehow managed to find a truly good man so easily without even looking. I feel for all the girls out there that are looking for a good guy and don't believe they exist. My amazing Hawkeye may be one of a kind ;)

R&R time is almost here!!

15 days and my Hawk will be here!! Im so excited, since it is our first deployment together, I dont know what to expect but Im making all sorts of fun plans! This pic was from his 4 day leave before he deployed, I hadn't seen him in 3 months, and I havent seen him since April 22nd!

Today is our 5 year anniversary

Hawk and I have been inseperable since day 1. We never had any doubts, for some reason we just clicked. We moved in together within 3 weeks of meeting. Our first year and a half together we never had so much as a disagreement, ha. We should have been doomed! The past 3 years have been especially hard. We lost my Mom out of nowhere. And I do mean "we" because Hawk and my Mom were very close. We survived 2 activations and near deployment of his Reserve unit. We moved to Florida, the worst time of our life, and back home to Ohio. We dealt with being robbed 3 times, roommates from hell, estrangements from family and so on. SO many things that could break a person, let alone a young couple. And we are halfway thru a 400 day deployment to Iraq. However with all the bad things, so much good has happened and I know my life would be unrecognizable without "US" not just him, but who I am with his support and love. I'm not an emotional person or a sappy, sweet girl. But this is an amazing man, and an amazing love and I know how lucky we are to have found happiness. A year from today we're getting married, we already own a house and we have so many plans for our future :) Happy Anniversary Baby!

SO Its 2:40 in the morning

I can't sleep. Uncharacteristically my baby dog, Guinness is curled up on my lap. He's usually running around destroying cities, but not today. Im supposed to be sleeping because I have to be up at 5 to do a charity walk. Its for a foundation called Out of the Darkness, and they work to promote suicide awareness and prevention. My Besties mom commited suicide when she was 13 so it is a cause close to our hearts. Another reason why I'm doing it personally is, I come from a military family and having at least a dozen good friends in the military, not to mention the Fiance, suicide rates are EXTREMELY high in the military and it scares me.
Speaking of the Fiance, I spent most of my night assembling a Halloween care package for my Hawk, I filled it with candy, homemade (from scratch) cookies, a couple of scary movies and some other surprises. When I put together these care packages, it takes me hours because I put so much thought into them. His family is worthless, they don't send him anything at all! Not even a freaking letter. He finally told me how much this upsets him, so I make extra special packages for him and write him lots of letters. The countdown is at 39 days! He will be here in a few short weeks, and I get 2 weeks uninterrupted with him.
I never thought I'd have to go through an entire year without my Hawk. October 20th will mark our 5 year anniversary, and we've been inseparable since day 1, literally. Hes my world and I know I'm his. We're lucky to have such an amazing relationship, but it makes this ridiculously hard.

Can we paint it? YES WE CAN

Ok, so lately I feel like all I have been doing is painting. I've painted my bedroom 4 times! 2 coats of primer, then 2 coats of paint. The people that lived here before us must have died of lung cancer because there is so much nicotine seeping out of my walls that I think I have it. The first coat of primer was fine..for 1 day. Then it yellowed. I was painting the walls blue so I didnt need discoloration. Whatever, long story short, my room is a beautiful blue :). Next up, my yearlong kitchen remodel that I only work on when I'm bored. Hawk took the doors off a year ago and sanded them down. I have been meaning to paint the entire inside and outside of all the cabinets. But its boring ha. So here I am a year later and they are half white, and I have not even started on the doors. Today brought a new project, my window panes. The house has newer vinyl double paned window, and they are very nice. However, for some reason the panes outside are black metal. It looks dirty and ridiculous, so today I gave them all a good cleaning and painted them bright, freash white. It looks great against my grass green house. I think my arms are going to fall off, but I'll survive. And by the way, I'm counting down to my Hawk's leave. I have 45 days until I see him again...

What a day

SO, I hadn't chatted with Hawk (since we hardly ever get to talk, we chat) in 10 days. Last week on Tuesday there were some casualties in the part of the country he was traveling through. Now, normally I don't ever hear about these causualties because I make it a point to not watch the news, or read the papers. They like to sensationalize everything, and I'm a worrier by nature anyway.
My best -friend is another wife in the Unit and she has the same outlook on the news as I do. Ignorance is bliss when your man is deployed. Anyhow, Bestie was at work, minding her own business, when her sister-in-law (who is not close to Bestie or BestiesHubby at all) decided that we just HAD to know about said casualties. Panic ensued, for Bestie and myself.
I mean, day-to-day Hawk is safe. I know this. This is not his first deployment to Iraq (it happens to be his first with me, though) and the last tour was HELL, everyday. He engaged in a lot of hand to hand combat, as well as shootouts and more. Anyway, after years of hearing these stories I somehow allow myself to ignore his declarations of boredom, and his assurances of safety. I freak the hell out. All I can think is, the worst could be coming.
The way it works is, the DOD (dept of defense) releases names 2 days after an incident, or whenever next of kin has been notified. So, for 2 days I walked around my house stealing glances out the window. Every military wife knows what I was envisioning. That car pulling in my driveway with 2 uniformed men. I am lucky, my man was not among those lost. And in one second of reading those names I can finally breathe again. Until my heart breaks for all those other Hawks lost and all those Rays left behind.
My baby is safe, and he is back to his homebase for a couple of days. Then the battle will be back on my doorstep, in a way. 210 more days my Hawk is deployed, we are almost halfway done. I can't imagine who could possibly read my ramblings, but I will tell them this, I will never be the same again, as I mourn each death in my own way. Hawk is my everything, and each of those soldiers is somebodies everything.

My Hawk

So I really dont want to be one of those girls who's hubby is the center of the universe. I am a very independant, self-reliant person, but I gotta admit, ever since the man deployed I'm miserable. It isn't just normal being alone, as he is away fighting in a war. I have to worry about him 24-7 and it takes a toll. I am a college student and my financial aid got messed up this semester, due to me transfering schools. I now have 4 months to kill before class resumes. I currently don't work so I'm going stir crazy! I spend my day cleaning, playing with my 3 dogs, trying to motivate myself to workout, and reading. I'm so bored all the time. I will continue the job search, but it's hard because the Library System in Ohio has gotten their funding cut. There aren't many job openings, and since I don't have my Masters Degree yet, I'm usually unqualified.